


Self control

by Harif



Series: Eradicating [2]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Gay Male Character, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, gay relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-21 07:37:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6043519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harif/pseuds/Harif
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the Star Wars Universe so many people are experiencing so many terrible things, yet they never seem to have any long lasting problems with it. In this short story our agent struggles though, which only proves he's very human (or pureblood Sith in his case).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Self control

**Author's Note:**

> Does not follow any storyline, it is somewhere in the interlude between vanilla SWTOR and Shadow of Revan. Completely fictitious, just something I wanted to write because I sometimes think everything is going JUST a little to smoothly out there.

Onomatophobia, Legate.  
Now shoot! No, nooo.  
You don't want to. You can't stop it, no control over your actions  
They move you like a puppet. Spectator in your own body.  
You see frightened faces, right before you shoot them.  
Do not aim! You aim. Cannot stop aiming.  
Don't want to see that fear.  
Noooooo....

*

"Wake up, you're having a nightmare".  
Hearing the startled voice of your lover, but keeping eyes firmly closed, everything hurts, don't want to be here.  
"Please stop screaming, I am here." Arms around you.

This is not happening again please, not while you're not alone, not in his house, NOT in his house while he is around to witness you shatter into smithereens.  
Oh sweet maker, naked on the icy floor, peed all over yourself, uncontrollably shaking, covered in layers of sweat, choking.  
All too familiar, but not with others around to witness.

So ashamed, so scared, so angry, so mortified.

"What is wrong love, what's happening to you!". Concern and large amounts of alarm in his voice. "Gods, you're freezing."  
And he lifts you in his arms and carries you into the shower. He is strong, you are as tall as he is, and still...  
You hear him muttering under his breath but the sound of your teeth chattering is so loud, not sure what he is saying. The warm water feels good, he is washing you, head resting against his shoulder, don't want to look at him. Warm fluffy towels around you and then he puts you to bed. Curling up, hearing whimpering sounds, annoyed to realize that they come from you.

He's walked away a little distance, you hear him speak, holocall most probably: "Kothe here, I'm not coming in today. I have some personal issues to deal with here at home. If there's an urgency you know how to reach me".

And then he's back in bed with you, piling loads of pillows and covers and blankets on top of you, pulling you to him, in his warm protective arms: "Man, you scare me... You're so cold, come here. Honestly Azarsa, I know you can't reply right now, and you don't need to, but this is serious, you need help. It was horrible to witness, but in a way I am glad it happened: now I know, now I can help you". And then, gentler: "Breathe love, slowly in and out, here's a bag, use it to breathe in, you'll feel better that way".

Don't want to reply, just be with him. Don't want to open eyes, because it will be his face looking down with love and concern, while in your nightmares it's the same face, speaking the trigger words....

*

Slowly breathing goes easier, slowly life returns to this lifeless body.  
"I am sorry Ardun, I never wanted you to witness this, it never happened while I was with you before".  
"Makers! Azarsa, for how long has this been going on? What were you thinking! When were you planning to tell me, did you really think you could hide this forever?!? Look at me please?"  
"I can't look at you yet," you miserably reply, still clinging on to him for dear life.  
"For how long? Ever since..." He is quiet, his brain is working, grinding, thinking, connecting, he's so smart.

When he finally speaks again, his voice is riddled with guilt: "Since... Star Cabal, or since... earlier? What we, what I did to you?"  
"The latter yeah. You, but mostly Hunter"  
"Oh man, oh man, I am so so so sorry.... I know words are not enough...."  
"Don't be please, don't make it worse than it already is. I don't hate you, it is my body and my mind not being able to cope with what happened. It is getting worse instead of better, so yeah, I need all the help I can get."

And it hurts, because you didn't tell him out of shame and the feeling of humiliation, but that is not all. Not telling him to protect him, not telling because you know you might lose him, because he feels guilty. And you don't blame the person he is, because you love that person to bits. You do not blame him, but yourself, and the system you were in that made you do what you did, and that did to you what it did. You hope he will understand, but right now explaining is too hard.

He says: "I am coming with you, it is as much my thing as yours, if we don't do this together I am afraid it will drive us apart, and I don't want that because I love you.... You do know I love you, don't you? I will take my responsibility, we'll go there together this afternoon". Your bossy handler Kothe taking over, finally finding his voice and composure again.

You are exhausted. He wraps his arms around you and kisses you. And then, a few minutes later, right before sleep hits, you hear him say: "Azarsa, really, you peed on my kitchen floor. "Be glad it wasn't in your bed," you mumble. And then you both start to giggle, and you can't stop, it's just all that tension that needs an outlet.

*

  
_But love, love will tear us apart again._   
_Love, love will tear us apart again._   
  
_You cry out in your sleep,_   
_All my failings exposed._   
_And there's a taste in my mouth,_   
_As desperation takes hold._   
_Just that something so good_   
_Just can't function no more._

**(Joy Division)**


End file.
